When I talk about this birth it’s impossible not to mention my first birth, as that influenced this one so much. I gave birth in 2019 to my daughter Liv and was left with huge birth trauma afterwards. I was induced for ‘post- dates’ concerns at 41 weeks and a few days, and had every intervention under the sun with pessary, gel, 7 sweeps, drip and all the works - and of course ended up with an unplanned C-section after 35+ hours as my body and baby were not ready. It took me 3 years to work through the PTSD and trauma caused by it. I had put my trust in a broken system and naively thought that the system would work in my favour.

My second pregnancy was uneventful in most ways (except a crippling HG which eventually disappeared around 25 weeks) but a true battle – myself and my partner Andre had early on decided that this time we wanted to stay at home, and our goal was to have a healing homebirth after our first birth, which left us both with lots of wounds.

I changed hospital early on as I felt unsupported in my wish for a VBAC at home, and, through a recommendation from my hypnobirthing teacher, found the most amazing midwife in another hospital. She is the head of homebirth there and was happy to caseload although I was outside their catchment area - she just said she wouldn’t be able to come out to me in labour sadly. We made a plan that I would self-refer to the hospital closest to us – sadly, the very hospital where we had had our birth trauma 3 years earlier - and that they would be the ones coming out in labour, but that I would see her up until that point.

After self-referring to them, I had to fight further for my right to a HBAC, and after experience some heavy coercion from one midwife in particular, I went straight to the HOM guarded with guidelines from RCOG, NICE, AIMS. They thought I was a real pain, but I just couldn’t give up as I knew within myself that this was what was right for me and my baby. After a Zoom call with the consultant midwife, the HOM and a community midwife, they accepted my wish to ‘birth outside guidelines’. I felt relieved and it finally felt like I now could properly immerse myself into my birthing space and mind.

I had been in prodromal labour since 35 weeks after seeing a pelvic health physio to make sure me pelvis was in its most ‘optimal’ position, and had constant start and stops each night after seeing her. I had used the Freya app but after a couple of weeks I gave up as it kept saying I was in established labour when I clearly wasn’t. I knew being a VBAC that it could be normal for my body to work things out prior to going into labour, and that labour itself then could be quite speedy.

My due date came and went, and I started feeling a bit tense. Throughout my pregnancy I worked with positive affirmations, hypnobirthing, visualization and had mantras put up all over the house to remind myself that I could do hard things, and that my baby would arrive on its birthday. I went for acupuncture over the weekend at 40+6 and felt great afterwards. I had been losing my mucus plug gradually over the past days and had had constant Braxton hicks.

On the Monday I was 41+0 and felt very emotional. I kept crying for everything, even the tiniest thing set me off. Suddenly I felt unprepared for the birth and ran out to get candles to put up in our birthing space at home. I carried 2 heavy bags all the way home and felt a bit sore in my lower back but thought nothing of it.

The evening came and we had dinner, and it felt like the Braxton hicks would not stop. I told my partner I was going to have a shower downstairs, whilst he put our daughter to bed upstairs. Before I got into the shower, I had this weird feeling and I texted him, asking if he thought I could be in labour.

I spent a good half an hour in the dark shower surrounded by lit candles, and after a while I realised, I was standing in weird positions, like I kept bending my legs and feet and standing on my toes. I remember I had seen something similar in a post by Eva Rose Birth on Instagram when a woman was in labour, and I suddenly got this thought that I should get out of the shower - now!

I went upstairs and crawled into bed with my partner and my daughter and as I laid down, I heard a huge pop, and my waters went all over the bed! 15 seconds later the first surge came, and it blew my mind - it was fast and furious and so my partner called in only to hear that there was no one on call that night, we “had to come in”. He declined, and said that we were not moving, that I was a VBAC and that things were ramping up and that they had to send someone. My partner kept being told no, even though I couldn’t talk through my contractions when being put on with the midwife, so he eventually just said we’ll be in touch. No one ever phoned us back to check in how things were going.

We phoned our amazing doula Flo and when she arrived I got into the pool which felt great; but my surges were really intense so I felt I wanted to keep moving, so I kept going in and out of the pool, using the TENS when I walked around and getting some counter pressure from my doula which was great, and spending some time on the toilet. Throughout the birth my partner Andre was on the phone to our homebirth midwife Francine, who supported him from a distance, as much as she could.

Our 3yo daughter had stayed awake with us in the living room, busy watching a film and couldn’t be bothered about me walking around mooing (she eventually went to bed at midnight and slept through the birth of her brother).

My memory is not the best as we didn’t time anything, but I think sometime around 1 am, 4 hours after everything started, my body started to involuntarily push and it started to get quite difficult to focus. I went into the pool and things slowed down - my doula said this was probably the rest and be thankful phase, and that I could have a breather now - which was great as I felt tired. My partner spoon-fed me honey and I felt like I regained some energy. I eventually felt like I wanted to get on with it and got out and things quickly ramped up. Here it’s sort of a blur, but I remember not long after feeling like I absolutely couldn’t do it anymore - I begged my partner to take me to the hospital for a C-section (thankfully my partner was so aware it was clear I was in transition), I said the pain was too much, and that “I’ve changed my mind and I don’t want him coming out anymore, he has to stay inside”.

All the time my partner and doula reminded me of relaxing and breathing. I felt initially that the surges were crashing over me, but once I managed to really focus on my breathing, I started to ride the waves rather than being under them.

I felt the baby move down and said to my partner that I could feel him coming. I must give my partner so much credit - he was so calm and confident. He put the phone on video recording, put some gloves on, adjusted the inco pads on the floor and guided me through it all. It’s weird, we had this calm conversation during the moment my son was crowning, and I just can’t remember a word of it – thankfully I have a video to watch!

Our Aldo was born at 2:44 am and came out in two pushes next to the sofa and as he came out I remember I looked onto the photo we had hanging on the wall of my daughter’s birth, a ‘lion king moment’, her being lifted out of me during our C-section.

It sounds a bit stupid perhaps, but as he came out I felt like all the trauma I had had from my past birth, came out along with him. It was like a cleanse. Now when I think back on my daughter’s birth, I don’t feel any trauma anymore, it’s just gone.

Our doula Flo missed the moment of birth as she was outside phoning the paramedics! They came within minutes and just stood watching - we waited for white with the cord and I then went to the toilet and the placenta came out on its own. I had to go in as no midwives were available to come out to do the postnatal checks, but that felt absolutely fine. I had a tiny tear in my urethra that they quickly stitched, and a vaginal graze that they just left as per my wishes.

Educating myself, reading up on guidelines, taking control of the situation even though it felt daunting in a system I was not brought up in, and ultimately advocating from myself when I felt everything was going against me – immersing myself within the birth world, really helped me from the get go: it made myself and my partner feel confident and calm in our choice for our homebirth, and it made us trust our instincts as well as having evidence based facts to successfully achieve our VBAC at home.

In the end we were on our own, but I still felt confident as my labour was progressing in a straightforward matter, and I had read up on all the risks and symptoms. During my pregnancy I worked with all my different senses in visualisation, scents, relaxation recordings, and positive affirmations.

My mantra was ‘my body knows what to do’, and I feel so proud I decided to listen to myself!